What’s been going on? Why the sudden death?
This is a first, and more personal post I decided to write, explaining what’s been going on ever since the last time I wrote anything on this website, and why it suddenly stopped, etc.
It's been quite a while since my last post, and a lot has happened in that time. From personal struggles to a journey of self-discovery, I've been through quite a bit. So here, I will attempt to clarify and share some of them, in case anyone at all has been wondering, in hopes of letting them know, and most importantly, acting as a therapeutic outlet for me and perhaps aiding me even more in getting over this period.
To quell any worries, no, I am not relapsing mental health wise or anything, at least I don’t think so. In fact, in that regard I feel quite okay. I’ve still been on my ADD medication, had my dosage increased some time ago from 20mg to 30mg, and that’s about it. Aside from that, I’ve been struggling with something else.
Namely, a total and complete lack of motivation, drive, and direction. Specifically regarding these passions of mine, which is exactly why I suddenly stopped writing. The worst and most agonizing part is, that I WANT TO get back to learning, writing, theorizing about it. But there SIMPLY is none of that fuel, that fire, that inferno to actually propel me forwards, and seemingly no matter what I do, I can’t find it.
I’ve always had this trait where I have periods of incredibly intense productivity and passion, which is also why a lot of the time I wrote a ton of posts in a short period of time. But equally intense and long, if not longer periods of no productivity and just complete… listlessness, directionless. Which is exactly also why there were sudden breaks and inconsistencies in my writing back then, and now as well.
Everything was going incredibly well as well, I was hot at work on a super nice post explaining Einstein’s works on relativity in detail which I got to about half way done with before this shit started happening. And I had a lot other cool posts in the pipeline too, like an equally detailed and comprehensive one regarding quantum theory, and then after that something like quantum gravity. With the goal being to come up with my own theory and model on quantum gravity. Which believe it or not, I managed to do, at least in some way, to ruin the surprise.
But it’s also kind of imbecilic on my part since I went about it completely backwards too, exactly during the half way point of writing my post on relativity, is when I got absolutely possessed and absorbed into the world of quantum gravity, specifically loop quantum gravity. I spent like 2 or more weeks straight, with a total time of 3 days or so of literally nothing except theorizing, modeling, learning, writing, thinking. From the moment I woke up, to the moment I fell asleep. I never touched ANY games, and even when I was at the gym with my friends, most of the time I was completely distant and just staring off into oblivion, or sitting on my phone just typing away. That is how absorbed into it I was.
On one hand it is, and was cool and amazing and what not, but on the other hand I kind of fucked myself over with it as well, since not only did I go about it all backwards, I also kind of set my standards and expectations FAR too high for these fields, especially given how I am incredibly young and fresh in this, so there was absolutely no linear and slow growth. I pretty much instantly jumped into literally THE MOST bleeding edge and complex theories and fields we currently have regarding the laws of nature and reality. Which left me wanting more, with there obviously not being anything more complex, deeper, or richer than that really.
Majority that, but along with many other reasons is exactly what started, and fueled this period of no motivation or drive, despite deeply wanting and longing to get started again. It’s like I am being held hostage by my own mind, with absolutely ZERO control over ANYTHING.
I also spent a lot of time realizing how absolutely fucking pathetic and depressing the modern state of “science” is, especially in these fields of mine. And the kind of absolute idiocy that gets passed off as “scientist” these days. And I had a ton of INCREDIBLY fiery and passionate meltdowns about it, which only made this precarious and sensitive situation of mine worse. And even though I was literally running on nothing but willpower, I still managed to come up with a bit of quite deep and complex theories, mainly fixing some of these major mistakes and inconsistencies in these fields. But the issue was, that I exactly felt no reward, happiness, or drive from doing it. Like I was a complete corpse.
Putting up with stuff like impostor syndrome, especially when it’s this deeply rooted, and when your mind is this unfiltered, unhinged, and complex, is absolute torture. During the period where I worked on my model on LQG (loop quantum gravity), every day at least ONCE I had a major and sudden relapse, where I briefly fell into equally intense pits of self-doubt and nihilism. And violently downplaying and criticizing myself, my potential, my work, everything. And just as fast and sharply as they came, they went away and I was back to being incredibly intensely productive and happy, working on it again. It was, incredibly exhausting mentally. Even after getting a full 10 hour nights sleep, I still felt absolutely crippled after only like 6-8 hours of working, which also lead me into sleeping far longer than normal. That is exactly how heavily and deeply I was engaged with it all. I even began frequently seeing incredibly vivid and long dreams about it.
I also tried going back to school like I said I would, like I wanted to. Only to get utterly kicked in the face in the most cold, and painful way possible. Before I even had the chance to sit down, I was told verbatim, without even looking at me in the eyes: “Oh no no no, I am not taking someTHING like that.”.
THING. As if I was some sort of object, a fucking freak or spectacle, and not a human who is simply, naïvely trying to better their life. The reason I got brushed off like that, that hard, was because my “grades” had been terrible, when I completed 9th grade. Ignoring how I obviously had incredibly good, and many reasons for why that was. Am I happy about it? Fuck no. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t wish that it was different, that I could go back and fix it, knowing and having learned what I have now. And now I am clearly paying the price, regardless of whether or not it is just.
It’s been quite a long time since I cried, especially that hard, after that absolute autism. I didn’t cry because I was “hurt” or “offended” by the person or what I was told, even if it felt like a deliberate stab, and then a twisting of the knife. The reason I was that upset, was because I had put all of this time and effort into learning about myself, bettering myself, and building myself up that much, to the point where I seriously got excited about going back to school, despite my past experiences with it, thinking that I will now finally be able to do it easily and in peace, and with the support I needed back then, and excited about moving forwards in my life in general. That enough time had passed, to where I am no longer defined by my past self, or my past in general. Only to get told the exact opposite in the most violent way imaginable. Which needless to say, did not exactly help my already precarious situation.
People have always told me, especially recently, ever since after I decided for the first time in my life to ACTUALLY pursue these passions of mine THIS intensely, eventually culminating in my website. That I am “exceptionally intelligent”, I have an incredible amount of potential, I have TRUE passion and drive for these fields and subjects, and I WILL be able to achieve greatness. That I am not afraid to question the status quo, and stand up and fight for those fields, and my works towards them. Especially given how ever since after I began diving into those passions in that regard, and especially ever since after LQG, I noticed that I and my mind and how it works fundamentally changed. I think, act, and behave in an incredibly deeper, richer, and more complex manner now, naturally.
Which given how little amount of time and work it took, but at such an incredibly deep and rapid level, for those “changes”, I can see why they might think or say that. Regardless of whether or not I want to vehemently deny and downplay it for the aforementioned reasons, but at the same time also really wanting and needing to learn about my own intelligence and capabilities in general, in an awfully paradoxical manner.
A lot of those same people also say and think that it’s really cool and really awesome to be that “intelligent”. Even if that was true, hahahahaha fuck no it isn’t. It’s something that’s incredibly hard, if not impossible to explain to anyone if they don’t have any personal experience with it themselves. But basically, at least the way my mind constantly works, is incredibly rapid, deep, and complex, and I am only beginning, an struggling to learn about it. My dispositions only make it a trillion times worse, if you’re of a very high intelligence, your mind already kind of doesn’t really have any filters, and is incredibly rapid. But the dispositions I also have to put up with only exacerbate all of those aspects and more by so much.
To the point where sometimes it’s seriously hard and mentally painful and exhausting to live and put up with it. It’s a double edged sword. Just as much as you might see it as a blessing, it’s an equal amount curse, if not even more so. You literally NEVER have a single moment of silence or respite, even during “calm” moments like laying down in bed, trying to sleep, etc. Your mind is like a backwards echo chamber of seemingly infinite complexity and depth, with each echo, thought, emotion, feeling, etc. only becoming stronger and worse the more time goes on, with it already being hard to stop and silence them as is.
It’s not even at least all about only one subject or context, thanks exactly to ADD and the subsequent lack of these filters. It’s so many topics all at once so quickly, and you basically have no control over any of them, or what your mind chooses to pick up randomly at any given time for whatever reason. I am literally obsessed with constantly having to learn everything about anything. Learning, mental engagement, and knowledge is just as vital and important to me as food, water, and oxygen. Without them, stuff starts going incredibly bad very quickly.
And as you might have guessed, that in and of itself already comes with a laundry list of deep and complex, interconnected issues. Like for example one major one, being that it’s also pretty much impossible for me to “ignore”, and not look at and acknowledge the already sorry and deteriorating state of the world and society around me. I try to think and realize why that is, to understand it, and nothing comes of it. I try to make some solution, and nothing comes of it, you are screaming into a bottomless void.
Only made worse exactly by people who lack any depth or complexity in their thinking, judging you instantly by surface and superficial things, and casting you and your ideas, theories, claims, warnings off as “insanity”, the ramblings of a crazy person. Regardless of whether or not I happen to be true and correct most of the time, and whether or not history, even in my specific fields of passion is riddled with examples of people who we have to thank today for our ideas and understandings of these fields being where they’re at, and their “crazy” and “insane” ideas and selves.
In essence, your own worst enemy by far, is yourself. You are literally a walking paradox, you want and try to become better and improve, but you are also met by vicious and severe opposition by YOURSELF. Even during moments where I am literally thinking about nothing, and at least my conscious mind is empty and “calm”, my subconscious mind is still, always flying and raging away at whatever. That’s exactly how I came up with those theories, insights, and ideas of mine. I would literally be walking home from the gym, listening to music, thinking of nothing. Or sitting at McDonalds with my friends, thinking and doing nothing or some completely random stuff, and suddenly, randomly out of nowhere. And insight. An idea. A breakthrough. Literally teleporting into my conscious mind, regarding whatever I was working on at the time, like my LQG stuff. And sometimes not even that, it was something else entirely.
Considering all of that and more, I would honestly trade my “exceptional intelligence” and mind for one that is far more trivial and unremarkable, but at least one that I have control over, and I can actually have moments of true calm and peace. And not constantly obsess over everything and anything, and every single detail no matter how grand or how insignificantly tiny. Your mind simply works in a completely and fundamentally different way, nothing more nothing less.
I would not, and don’t consider myself, or anyone who ACTUALLY IS of exceptionally high intelligence to be “special”, or above anyone else. I fucking hate that, and that belief and notion. I find it so insufferable and arrogant. As one of my idols in my fields of passion, Stephen Hawking said: “People who boast about their IQ are losers.”
Regardless of what I do or don’t believe in, what I may or may not say in my periods of passionate “non-linearism”, I still believe that anyone, no matter who or what they are or live with, has at least one unique and new thing that they could tell or teach you or anyone else. So therefore, I think the issue is less about me saying and believing that the world is becoming objectively stupider as time goes on, and more about people’s intelligence being just fine where it’s at. But just like me, they have no idea about their true potential, because they’ve not yet had a moment where they could catch a glimpse of it and that experience. Aside of course all of the other many true and complicated issues that plague the world today.
Anyway, that tangent aside. I think that that might do it with this post for now, as I can’t think of anything else to say or talk about, as I addressed everything. But hell knows, knowing my absolutely worthless and non-existent short-term memory lol. So if you found yourself touched by anything I wrote about in here, and like you could relate, PLEASE message me about it, I WANT you to message me about it. So that maybe we can perhaps both help each other and offer each other some advice and comfort. Or if not, then at least talk to each other about these kinds of things, so I no longer have to feel like I am the only person struggling with this crap. Or if you have any other questions regarding anything, feel free to ask me those as well, and I will do my best to answer. So yeah, I am and have been fine and okay, just in a bit of a difficult spot for an extended period of time, but have also been learning a massive amount about myself, and experiencing many visceral and profound things as the cause / result as well. And my passions, and my desires for them have not yet died, and I want to get back to them as soon as I can, whenever that happens.
Thank you for reading, even if it was a part of it or just skimming over it, and I hope you have an amazing morning / day / evening / night. Or if not, then I hope you know that you are definitely not the only person struggling right now at this moment in time, and that I want you to hang in there, along with me and whoever else <3.
